Kids come in all packages, and some come with more heightened emotions than others. Kids find their way to me because parents are concerned about how they can’t seem to manage their negative emotions. I always suggest that this is a very insightful and sensitive kid. and that is an asset. But they are lacking the skills to manage that gift.
So how do you teach your children the skill they are lacking? Well the first step is to not take any part of that skill for granted. For instance, I am working with an amazing 11 year old right now. He gets really angry. And so he is seeing me for tools to control his anger. Our last session I realized that anger is the emotion he knows and can recognize so that is the label he puts on it. But actually he is getting frustrated first. We spoke about the difference between frustration and anger. We both realized that he was overlooking the fact that he was frustrated and the question was why was he frustrated and how might we help him there? So, dont take for granted a skill you might have as an adult; your child may not have developed that skill yet. Another important thing is to treat your kid as you would an adult. Listen and explain when needed. Kids actually can grasp pretty complicated concepts if you use their language. This same client and I had a great conversation about his expectations. If he changes his expectations he won’t get frustrated and if he doesn’t get frustrated he won’t get so mad. The process by which we listen for understanding is called drilling; make sure you drill your child in a meaningful way.
I cannot stress enough that kids don’t mean to be overly angry or act out in defiant ways. They just don’t know how to cope. Below I have listed some helpful tips if your child is dealing with larger than life emotions:
Don’t underestimate the power of a good hug! Bio feedback always helps all of us. Sometimes kids need to feel that you can provide them with a physical boundary to all of their emotion a good squeeze will do the trick.
Help them identify and name the emotion
Help them see the hierarchy of emotions. For example, frustrated isn’t as potent as angry. This helps them slow down. “We can solve frustrated you don’t need angry.”
Listen and drill. Let them know you care instead fo getting frustrated with them. Make sure you really understand what is happening for them.
Help them identify the skill that is missing here. Is that you can’t control your emotion? Is it that you don’t know how to express yourself? Is it that you don’t know how to make goals instead of expectations?
Introduce them to ways to turn down the volume on their emotion: meditation, breathing techniques, exercise. (For those kids who have been doing school online they still need a recess!!!)
Help them to form a gratitude practice. I have another client who does gets very angry with his brother but he does soften when he remembers that his brother plays with him. This is helpful for him. Kids are not too young to start finding their gratitude.
Remember to explore and explain skills using their language they are not too young to understand things like how expectations lead to negative emotions. I have had 7 year olds meditate with me!
I find that all of these tips have been very useful in my psychotherapy work with kids. I am always amazed by the good use they make of their time with me. Kids are grateful to receive help, they just want to receive it in a collaborative way. I hope this helps at least one parent not feel overwhelmed and their kid gain the skill to cope.
As always from my heart to yours,