Beans, Teens and Screens

Hey parents, whether you have a little bean or a grown teen inevitably you find yourself in the screen dilemma. In the past few years I have noticed a new form of anxiety forming unique to the current generation and it is linked to social media and screens. I am seeing more teens with feelings of anxiety, lack of confidence in making decisions and pressure to get things “perfectly”.

A really important part of development is learning to self soothe as we tolerate the disappointment of delayed gratification. However the current generation lives in a world of instant gratification. There is a lot of pressure to respond instantly, be current on events and instantly get feedback from others. This pressure creates a lot of anxiety. The moment our teens are faced with a a situation that has delayed gratification, they don’t know how to self soothe their way through it. This means their sense of resiliency is fragile. The other problem is that screens and social media have become the accepted way for inclusion. This comes at a time in their lives when inclusion is very important so not responding right away means being left out. An added concern is that along with instant gratification, this generation is not learning to delineate between public and private thoughts. They are a generation without boundaries. We all have an observing and non observing self. As we get older we develop the observing self which discerns between reality and fantasy. This generation is not developing hte observing self. Lastly, because everything is literally filtered, they compare themselves to photos which have been redone and profiles which have been curated. This creates pressure to be perfect and a lack of tolerance for imperfection or mistakes.

Ugh…. right?

The second dilemma is self soothing and screens. When this generation does go to self soothe, it is with screens of all kinds. I have had several of my teen clients say that they can’t go to sleep without having their phone near by and they experience a lot of anxiety when they have to turn it off. The problem is that these screens cause a state of over stimulation in the nervous system. Over stimulation is a fight or flight response and creates anxiety. So our teens and kids are trying to self soothe their feelings of overwhelm with something overly stimulating.

It is like drinking coffee to help yourself calm down--a flawed strategy.

Parents, how does this affect you? The most common situation I see is kids and teens who are consumed by their screens and they are combative with their parents. I want to suggest here this is because they are stressed, not because they are defiant.

This puts parents in a real dilemma- do they let their kids have the screens which cause anxiety and aggression or do they limit the screen time which will potentially make their kids feel left out?

For more information and tips on screen time read here. If you found this helpful and would like to to take a workshop with me on developing more strategies for navigating this topic just say yes in the comments below!

Infertility Part 2

Last week I shared some tips for those who suffer from infertility. I really hope they were helpful. Infertility can be a sensitive subject, we don’t often talk about it, and people don’t know what to say or how to interact with their infertile loved one. Both parties want to reach out across this painful divide, but it is fraught with so much grief and isolation that neither party wants to add any more suffering.

So here are some tips for you if you have a friend or loved one who is struggling with infertility:

- Educate yourself. Your loved one is going through a lot and it would be wonderful if you researched all of the medical acronyms and procedures a little bit on your own. Also, take a look at forums where women are talking about infertility so that you can understand there is a pattern of feelings for all women who suffer from this. ( I mentioned the forum Inspire last week). This will make your loved one feel their experience matters to you.

- Please don’t mention adoption when they are trying to have a biological child. They know about adoption, trust me. But adoption is another arduous process and it is a very different path to parenthood. Let your loved one come to that decision when they are ready. You don’t have to fix their pain, just be with them in it.

- Send a card. If it was just mothers day or you know they had to go to a baby shower or heard another pregnancy announcement, perhaps go through the effort to send them a card. It will help validate their experience.

- Broach the topic. It can be taboo to talk about infertility and miscarriages -- so invite your friend to talk. Ask them about their experience. Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing. Your efforts mean so much!

- If they have lost a pregnancy, ask about the anniversary. Perhaps offer to do something meaningful to mark it. Remember, this was their child they lost. And it may be the closest they have ever gotten to having a child.

- Share your pregnancy news on the phone. This way she has the chance to feel her own feelings in private with grace. She can control when she gets off of the phone. Try telling her before it becomes obvious you are pregnant and tell her when she has time to process it. She will probably get off of the phone and need a good cry.

- It may not be appropriate to expect that your loved one be close during your pregnancy. Know that your friend is overjoyed for your pregnancy and devastated for themselves. So, keep that in mind when you set expectations.

- Refrain from making suggestions like; “Just relax and it will happen” (You try being relaxed during infertility!) or “make it clear to the universe that you want a baby” (Oh, so all of those injections, emptying my savings and showing my privates 4 times a week for years hasn’t made it clear?), “don’t have that glass of wine” (This is just silly!), “exercise more or exercise less” (Serena Williams had a baby!), “I did x and it worked for me!” (It worked for you great, but that doesn’t mean it will work for me, I am infertile). Your loved one already blames themselves for being infertile. They don’t need more pressure and failure. Perhaps keep the suggestions to yourself and instead, remind them of what they are doing and that is the best they can do.

If you are looking for more suggestions, consider booking a one time coaching session with me to further understand how you can support your relationship and friend through the landscape of infertility. There are ways the relationship can truly thrive!

Mother’s Day can Be a Real Drag…

I know Mother’s day is a celebratory day for most people, but it is not so for everyone. It can actually be traumatizing for the 1 in 10 women every year who have trouble getting pregnant. This statistic speaks to the very real experience of…

The woman who had one or multiple losses

The woman who had a still-born

The woman who has never been able to get pregnant

The single woman using assisted reproductive technology (ART) because she has not found her partner

The woman who has a wife and therefore must use ART

The woman who is young and is experiencing premature ovarian failure

The woman who has secondary infertility

Maybe this is you? Or maybe this is your friend or family member?

There are a lot of unknowns in the world of infertility. There are many questions to ask and decisions to make. The stress of doctor’s appointments, medications, injections and procedures can be overwhelming. And then there are the social aspects; Mother’s day, baby announcements, friendships with fertile people, other people’s unsolicited advice, time, and cost. All of this can be stressful causing anxiety and depression. The grief which accompanies the deep longing for a child and the feeling that the door is being shut over and over is very palpable. Many women with infertility don’t know how to talk to others about their experiences or how to cope. And many friends and family don’t know how to help. This can be a messy and complicated interaction for both. I have been on both sides as the patient and the infertility counselor. It may not be enough to just listen. Coping with infertility requires real effort and compassion.

If you are struggling with infertility I have some simple suggestions:

-Start a meditation practice. This will help you stay connected to your body and calm your mind. A good place to start is circle and bloom they have a free meditation and I find it very helpful.

-Make sure you have a good support system. Whether it is a therapist who understands infertility, a really good friend or a forum, make sure you have a safe place to just feel and share. A good place to start is Inspire, they are a great resource for information and support.

-Tell your family to educate themselves about infertility. It cannot be your job to explain it to them, they need to prepare themselves.

-It is ok to say no. Now is the time to take care of yourself. So if you can’t go to the baby shower, then don’t. Send a card and that person will understand.

-Think of setting clear expectations: what do you expect to hear from those around you and what can they expect from you. i.e “I don’t need you to tell me to just relax”.

-Find your one sentence to shut down unsolicited advice and questions about family planning. i.e “I have a doctor for that how about you just be my friend?”

-Do your homework; research your diagnosis and educate yourself. You are your best advocate now. This is your body and you deserve some answers!

-Talk about plan A and B and maybe pursue them both at the same time. This will help you feel that there is possibility on this journey. There is a lot of hope here for you.

-Find ways to take care of yourself and things that help you feel STRONG and capable in your body.

-If you have a partner, remember they are going through this too. And they may not express it but they feel it. Find times and topics which are infertility free zones.

-Take a vacation if you are not in treatment. Even a small one. You deserve it!

This is just a small list of actions which can make a huge impact on your journey. If you want more guidance and support, please contact me. In my next blog post I will write some tips for friends and family member of someone struggling with infertility.

Just Step One...

Are you feeling a little stuck right now? It is natural to feel so when we are in times of transition. Seth Perler, a well known executive functioning coach, introduced me to the strategy of Step One. The idea is that, when you are overwhelmed, it is ideal to focus on only one simple task at a time. This is because the rational and executive functioning part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, begins to shut down when you are overwhelmed. So, we have to give the brain just one clear task instead of many. That task is step one.

Only when you have finished your step one can you move on to the next simple task: your new step one. And so on. Notice I did not say step two, this is because making a list inevitably will put an overwhelmed person in a state of freeze. Focusing on step one keeps us in the present moment and creates a place to begin- it gives us agency instead of putting us into paralysis. The key is to boil your task down to it’s simplest action. For instance if a teen is taking a test but has anxiety about it, then their step one is just writing their name down. This create a beginning action. And one action leads to another. After all, a wheel in motion stays in motion right? This tool can be really wonderful for starting (and sustaining) big projects.

Step one is a great strategy not only for you, but for children who may struggle with getting homework done. I use this strategy in my psychotherapy practice with adults and kids who have ADD and it is really successful! If you want to know more about tools to help your child, please contact me to set up a consult. Try implementing step one into your own daily life and see if it makes a difference in your ability to stay on task and attain your goals.

If you want to learn more about implementing step one as part of a total approach to flourishing in the present moment, consider registering for my upcoming workshop, THE RESILIENT WARRIOR.

Option A vs Option B

Are there things in your life that you consciously or unconsciously expect? The answer is most likely yes. From the time we are little, we are raised to expect many things; the house, the marriage, the family, our loved ones will be safe etc. I call these the option A’s.

As we get older we realize that there is no fairy godmother to grant our wishes and fulfill our expectations. This leads to disappointment. In fact those expectations give us a false sense of safety; if I get this then I will be…happy, accepted, secure etc. And so when we do not get the things we banked on, we think “I wont be ok”. This makes us reliant on the external world meeting our vision of security. Instead of our internal world being flexible to adjust to what the external world gives us. The former is fragility and the latter is resilience.

Sheryl Sandberg coins this the “ option A vs option B” scenario in her book, “Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy”. In a moment of complete transparency, a big option A for me is having a family. I really am attached to that being my golden ticket to happiness. But, ironically, in being so attached to having a family, I am missing out on what I do have.

This is option B; what you get, not what you expect.

Life opens up to us when we pivot from option A to option B. When we say to ourselves '“Ok (blank) is off the table, so let me look at what I do get”. Yes, you will have to mourn option A. Give yourself that time to do so. Mourning is an important step in finding closure.

Then the magic begins…option B becomes something you do have. And you can build on it. You can thrive in option B. Try noticing this for yourself.

If you feel you want to know more about how to embrace and thrive in option B, please join me for my upcoming workshop, THE RESILIENT WARRIOR. I will be walking you through how to thrive in times when there is uncertainty or challenge.